have hidden illness

Chapter 50 Also, of course I miss you very much today

"Let's invite a classmate to do this question on the blackboard! Let's invite Shen... ah Gao Xun, come!"

The teacher stood on the podium and handed him the chalk. Gao Xun stood up nervously and stroked the hem of his clothes.When the teacher called his name, he almost called it Shen Xun again, although he quickly corrected it, he could still hear it.But I don’t blame the teacher, because let alone the teacher is not used to it, even he himself is not used to it. When he took out the textbook that his mother had changed the cover for him from his schoolbag a few days ago, he stared at the word Gao Xun. daze.

His mother took him to change his name last week, changing Shen Xun to Gao Xun.

Because father and mother divorced.

Gao Xun didn't know much about the reason for their divorce. He thought it might have something to do with him, so when his father packed up his things from home and was about to move out, Gao Xun pulled his father's sleeve and said, "Dad, don't go, don't talk to your mother." Arguing, I won't watch cartoons for dinner in the future, and I won't watch them for a minute, so you don't want a divorce, okay?

Dad touched his head and wanted to say something, but it seemed too difficult, and he didn't say a word in the end.

Gao Xun was pulled away by his mother. The mother had a cold face, without even looking at his father, and said that if he wanted to leave, he would leave quickly, and don't touch my son.

Dad is gone.

I didn't leave a phone number or mailing address, and I didn't see Gao Xun again. The traces of his life in this family were basically destroyed by his mother.Mom stopped mentioning anything about Dad, and he was not allowed to ask any questions about Dad.

Sometimes he sat face to face with his mother, and when he ate in silence, he would have momentary doubts, did father really exist?Or is it just his imagination, in fact, there is no father from the beginning to the end, but he and his mother live together?

Mom's smile became less and less. Although she was very strict with Gao Xun when Dad was at home, it was better than now, feeling like a dark cloud covering her head at any time.Gao Xun carefully minimized his sense of existence, packed his schoolbag before going to school, checked his homework before going to bed, and didn't want to cause any trouble and unpleasantness to his mother.

But even though he tried his best to be good, his mother still canceled all his art classes.

When she told Gao Xun that you should not learn to paint again, Gao Xun became a little anxious.He used to go to class with his father by bike. He thought it was inconvenient for his mother to send him off, so he told his mother that he could take the bus to the Children's Palace by himself, and he could cross the road by himself. He would definitely pay attention to safety...

Mom didn't finish listening, but said again, you are not allowed to draw in the future.

Gao Xun really wanted his mother to be happy, and also wanted to listen to his mother's words, so he would stop painting in the future, but he was wronged and missed his father very much.

Dad's photo was probably either taken away by himself or thrown away by his mother. Anyway, there is no one at home.

In the first few weeks after he left them, Gao Xun could often see him in his dreams, but gradually, he was less able to see him in his dreams.Gao Xun thought, it may be that his father has gone away, or it may be that his father no longer misses him.He was afraid that after a long time, he would not remember his father's face, so he secretly hid his drawing tools and drew the father who still remembered.

He draws all the time.

Three for five, ten for twenty.

Draw when you are sad, and draw when you are afraid.

Until my mother found out.

Gao Xun will always remember that Thursday afternoon.

He came home from school on time, but when he opened the door to change his shoes, he found that his mother's slippers were not at the door.

Is mom back yet?

He walked in softly.

His mother was standing in the living room, with a pile of papers thrown at his feet, and Gao Xun's heart beat wildly uncontrollably.

It's his painting.

Mom turned around with a sickly face and stared at him.

Then she said, "Gao Xun, kneel down for me."

Gao Xun tightly pinched the sleeves of his school uniform, hesitated for a few seconds, and knelt down in front of her.

"Did I tell you that you are not allowed to draw in the future?"

Hearing her stern questioning, Gao Xun couldn't help but nodded tremblingly.

"Then what are these? Are you against me? Do you miss him?" She seemed to be mad, and laughed: "What do you think this man you call Dad is a good thing?"

Gao Xun looked up at her uneasily, her expression was agitated and dangerous, Gao Xun always felt that something terrible was about to come out of her mouth.

"Let me tell you, the good father you miss so much is a complete liar and a pervert who likes men! He and your art teacher dated before you were born. Do you think you are his baby? ? Hahaha, you are just like me, but he is just a tool for him to disguise himself. What you mean to him is to give him an excuse to continue to engage in men, you know? Do you understand? "

Mom squatted down and shook Gao Xun's shoulders vigorously.

He didn't quite get it.

At least I don't quite understand what it means to like a man and engage in a man.But he knew that these were bad words, very bad words, things that Mom wouldn't say when she maintained her demeanor.

He tried to muster up the courage to reach out and touch his mother's face, for although she was laughing loudly, tears kept coming from her eyes.

Mom froze for a moment, then stopped laughing and hugged him tightly.

Gao Xun was stuffed in her arms, unable to see the madness and hatred still in her eyes, he comforted her softly and said: "Mom, don't cry, I won't draw dad anymore, don't cry."

After she calmed down that afternoon, she asked Gao Xun to kneel down on the ground and wrote down the letter of guarantee, and asked him to read the content over and over again: "Guarantee letter, I will never draw again in the future, and I will not become Homosexuality, will not make mother angry, will not make mother sad, will be a child who will satisfy mother.The guarantor is Gao Xun.

This was Gao Xun's memory, the last time she hugged him.After that, not only did she have stricter requirements on Gao Xun's academic performance, but she also strictly supervised Gao Xun's life and making friends.

She asked Gao Xun to write down the letter of guarantee and asked him to read it at any time.

But she still felt that it was not enough and worried, so she began to sneak into Gao Xun's room when Gao Xun was sleeping or not at home, and checked his diary and drawers. She wanted to make sure that her only son was normal and safe.

Gao Xun talked less and less, seemed to stop making new friends, and became a quiet and indifferent boy.

She can see this change in him to some extent, but what does it matter to her?

At least she can make sure he hasn't turned gay, can't she?

"Mom, are you awake?"

Gao Yue opened her eyes tiredly, Gao Xun was standing next to her talking to her, she couldn't remember what happened for a moment, she looked at the surrounding environment, as if she was in a certain ward.

"The doctor said that you have vasovagal syncope, and the problem is not very big... Are you feeling okay now?"

She remembered that she had fainted in Gao Xun's living room just now, and she also remembered what Gao Xun said before she fainted.She raised her hand, pointed to the chair next to her, and told him to sit down.

This is the son she has worked so hard to bring up alone. He has handsome features, is sensible and obedient, and has a decent and meaningful job. He sits in front of her with a straight back, like a quiet bamboo.

Although she has never been stingy in praising him, in her heart, her son is undoubtedly excellent.

How could he become a pervert who likes men as much as that bastard?

She obviously tried her best to prevent it, didn't she?

"Your problem must be treated. Mom will take you to treat it."

Gao Xun's palm resting on his knee shrank into a clenched fist a little bit: "This is not a disease, Mom. I don't need treatment. I'm just born with this tendency."

"Nonsense! What was born like this? I didn't make you like this! Do you want to be like your father?" She raised her voice with difficulty, although it still sounded a little weak, not much intimidation.

"I won't become him. Mom, I just don't want to become him, so I will tell you that I don't want to go on blind dates anymore, and I can't get married. I won't be like him, cheating an innocent girl, and then giving birth to an innocent girl. No child. I won't do that. Mom." Gao Xun didn't struggle when he said these words, but he looked at his mother's eyes as if the last bit of anger had been taken away by these words. After all, he couldn't help it. Feel guilty: "Mom, I'm sorry."

Streams of tears rolled down her eyes, which she hastily wiped away.She should have guessed it a long time ago, she should have guessed it when he was young, but she didn't want to guess, even if he told herself later that she didn't want to get married, she didn't want to guess.Perhaps it was because she had a faint premonition that this answer would make her fall into the abyss.

She closed her eyes and turned her head away, not looking at him any more.

"Mom, I know it's hard for you to accept that I'm like this... I've applied for a teaching support activity in the city, and I'm leaving after the college entrance examination. I..."

She interrupted him, pointing to the direction of the door: "you go."

Gao Xun supported the back of the chair and stood up: "...Mom, then you have a good rest. I will call you and write a letter."

She felt his eyes stay on her face for a long time, and then gently opened the door and went out.

When Gao Xun walked down the steps of the main entrance of the hospital, he raised his face and looked at the clouds above his head.

It was a cloudy day, and the sun tried its best to hide its edge behind the clouds, but it still made the sky bright and dazzling. Together, they lazily changed their postures in the air, watching everything that happened in the world silently and indifferently.

It didn't take long for Gao Xun to feel dazzled by the light, and the phone just vibrated, and he lowered his head to try to identify the screen.

Kuang Huaiye said.

[Have you received the flowers?is it beautiful?Do not keep indoors, hydrangeas are somewhat poisonous. 】

Then soon, he sent a second message.

[Also, of course I miss you very much today. 】

I thought of the gradient hydrangea that was placed alone in the porch of my home.

Gao Xun covered his eyes.